


the sea is a safe place to leave your heart

by BearWithAHat



Series: nautical [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 1830s, Alternate Universe - Historical, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, First Kiss, Getting Together, I am once again writing whaler fic sjdjhshj, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, M/M, Moral Ambiguity, Nautical homoeroticism, Non-Graphic Smut, Period-Typical Homophobia, Whaling au, ft the worlds most non sexual and unromantic sex scene, moby dick au sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28351566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BearWithAHat/pseuds/BearWithAHat
Summary: Sebastian falls in love with a man he meets on a ship; he reflects on the hurt it brings alongside the love it fills him with.
Relationships: Kimi Räikkönen/Sebastian Vettel, Sebastian Vettel/Other
Series: nautical [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2076282
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	the sea is a safe place to leave your heart

**Author's Note:**

> hehehe im back at it again with another historical whaler au 🙈🙈 this takes place in the same AU as another fic of mine, called 'the great shroud of the sea rolled on as it rolled five thousand years ago.'
> 
> you don't have to have read that one to read this one but it might make more sense if you have read it. its currently 45k words though so don't feel like you have to ✌️🥺
> 
> the bulk of this fic takes place in the 1830's, though some of it takes place a bit later on lol. its not that important tho sjhfshj just picture early 19th century clothes on everyone. i tried to explain any of the whaling jargon that appears here so i hope its like. comprehensible. like it says in the tags there is homophobia that was common in this time period so please be aware of that! and don't read it if that upsets you.
> 
> also I only proofread part of this asdfggfdf sorry

Sebastian felt like he had just fallen asleep when there was a hand on his shoulder, shooing away the sleepiness he had worked so hard to cultivate. He sighed and sat up, squinting his eyes in the yellow light of the oil lamp. It had been about a week since the commercial ship he had been hired to work for had left its port, starting on a year-long whaling commission, and Sebastian had yet to have a good nights' sleep. As a newcomer to the sea, he was trying his best to acclimate.

Above him stood one of his superiors, the first mate, and he still wasn't quite sure what exactly the man did. Sebastian sat up and waited for him to say something. He ran a hand through his hair, stifling a yawn, and wrapped his linen shirt further around himself.

"One of the men got hurt. You seem to have the best grip on the medicinal type of shit, so go fix him up," the mate ordered him with a gruff voice.

Sebastian nodded silently and shuffled out of his small bunk. The majority of the crew had only the cramped little room near the front of the ship to sleep in, and Sebastian tried not to wake his bunk mates as he blindly reached around for his shoes.

"Down below deck," the first mate cleared his throat, "make haste, crewboy."

The rather biting tone that some of the higher ups used when talking to him made Sebastian's cheeks flush red with anger, but he knew it wasn't his place to argue with them; he was simply meant to do as they say and do it well. He was an inexperienced youngster working alongside tough, grizzled sailors who had spent more time on ships than he had been alive. Sebastian figured he'd be off the receiving end of all the jabs one day if he stuck around the whaling industry for long enough.

He made his way down into the depths of the ship, where he found a young man sitting atop a crate. He had his arms crossed and Sebastian could clearly make out the beginnings of bruises next to a few scrapes even in the dim lighting. Sebastian made his way into one of the little supply rooms, where he dug through the scarce medical supplies that were kept aboard a whaling ship.

With a few items in hand, Sebastian hesitantly stepped along the creaky wooden floorboards until he stood in front of the crate where he sat, and he felt a little awkward as he stood there. They stared at each other, and Sebastian gazed into his light blue eyes while he tried to think of something to say. The sailor looked at him with an unreadable expression, the only change in his look being when he screwed up his eyes slightly to inspect Sebastian, as if he were checking out a stallion for purchase.

"Um, you're injured?" Sebastian said, and he immediately cringed at the question.

"Obviously," his patient said quietly, gesturing vaguely to his face. The corners of his mouth twitched upward into a fragment of a smile when Sebastian choked on his words and shyly looked down at the toe of his boots. He usually wasn't shy around new people, but this time it felt different.

Sebastian sighed and set the medical supplies down on the neighbouring crate. He had a few cloths and wads of gause, as well as an assortment of cream and a bottle of a strong-smelling antiseptic.

He placed his hand on the sailor's cheek and gently ran a finger over the blooming bruises, furrowing his brow as he wondered what had happened. Scrapes, cuts, and gashes could come from anything, but such distinct bruises on his cheeks and beneath his eyes could only have come from human hands.

"My name is Sebastian, by the way. I just started working on this boat and I guess all I'm good for at the moment is patching people up," Sebastian murmured as he looked over the various scrapes. None of them were very deep fortunately, and so it wouldn't be too much work to get them cleaned up.

"Kimi," was all that the sailor said. His quiet voice had a rather different accent than Sebastian was used to hearing. His blonde hair was very disheveled and Sebastian had to consciously think to tell himself not to instinctively run a hand through Kimi's hair to smooth it back.

After taking a look at his injuries, Sebastian neatly folded one of the cloths. Unscrewing the lid of the alcoholic antiseptic, he tried to ignore the feeling of Kimi's penetrating gaze boring down on him and focus on the sounds he heard. Outside, the calm sea's waves brushed against the side of the ship as it carried the sleeping crew though the night, not offering him much of a distraction.

He wrinkled his nose at the stinging scent of the alcohol as he soaked part of the cloth with it. Sebastian delicately placed a few fingers beneath Kimi's chin to keep him steady, and he began to lightly dab at the scrapes to clean them up. Kimi's cool facade broke as he cringed and exhaled sharply at the feeling of the alcohol seeping into the shallow cuts, and Sebastian shushed him in what he hoped was a comforting way.

"What is that stuff?" Kimi muttered, looking down at the bottle next to him.

"It's some type of peroxide. It's to ensure you won't get an infection. How'd this happen anyways?" Sebastian asked. He set the cloth back on the crate and picked up a tin with a salve inside. The waxy, semi-solid material smelled faintly of olives.

"I fell," Kimi plainly stated. It sounded more like an excuse to Sebastian than an explanation, and he made a doubtful face as he carefully rubbed the salve over the freshly cleaned scrapes.

"Bruises like that don't come from falling, Kimi. That was made by human hands, so what happened?" he insisted more firmly. Once finished treating the scrapes on Kimi's cheeks, he crossed his arms and waited for an answer.

Kimi still didn't give him much of a reaction. He slumped forward slightly, ran a hand through his messed up hair, and stared at Sebastian intently. "I got into a fight with the first mate," he admitted after a few minutes, "he called me some stupid name so I called him one back."

Sebastian frowned and recalled that it had been the first mate who had woken him up. He had not seen any bruises or scrapes on him, and he wondered if Kimi hadn't bothered to fight back or if it was a one-sided scuffle. Regardless of what exactly had transpired between the two, Sebastian had finished his job of fixing up Kimi's wounds, although there he was little he could do about the dark bruises on his skin.

"Well...if you ever get into any more fights...I'd be glad to heal you again," Sebastian said shyly. He suddenly felt as if he couldn't stand still and grabbed the medical supplies, tripping over his own feet as he strode back to the closet where they had originally been stored.

Sebastian was nearly sprinting out of the room and up the stairs when a steady hand on his shoulder pulled him back to reality, and he turned around on his heel to see Kimi giving him an amused look. In the cold night air, he felt his cheeks flush with warmth and he didn't know why he felt so shy and giddy around someone he had met just a few minutes ago. Kimi's blue eyes fell down to gaze at his lips for a moment, and his hand lingered on Sebastian's shoulder for a bit too long for it to be meaningless.

"Thank you, Seb," Kimi's low voice murmured, and Sebastian felt himself swoon.

No words came to his mind and so he nodded in response before darting away, not bothering to stop until he was back in the forecastle and hiding beneath his sheets. Sebastian squeezed his eyes shut and stifled a sigh into his pillow. The sea gently rocked the ship and Sebastian wished it would have lulled him to sleep. He let his eyes fall shut but his mind wouldn't rest.

It was nothing new to Sebastian to find a man attractive. He had long accepted that he was different than most people were, or at least different than he was expected to be. The feminine figure had never once intrigued him, he had never come across a woman who turned his head and it was never women who crossed his mind when he dreamed about what it was like to kiss somebody as a child.

Sebastian knew he liked men, and he knew the consequences of that attraction. He knew that the world was an unforgiving, narrow and shallow place where people like him had to pretend that they were like everyone else. It was a sad reality that Sebastian lived with. Never once had he brought it up to anybody for fear of what might happen, and he had to do his best to keep his stares hidden when he encountered men like Kimi who made his heart flutter.

Still, as much as he told himself to forget about it, Sebastian couldn't stop himself from thinking about the sailor while he was trying to sleep. The way his clear, calculating gaze made Sebastian feel as if he were a painting in the Louvre made him want to capture Kimi's attention once more. Sebastian wanted to feel his gentle touch, wanted to carefully run his hands through his blonde hair and hear his quiet voice whispering to him as he woke up in the mornings. Kimi was one of those people who sounded unaffected and unbothered, like he was always deep in his thoughts, and Sebastian wanted to pull him from his thoughts and get him to come out of his shell.

In the span of a few minutes, Kimi had captured his heart. Sebastian knew he should probably try to avoid going down that hole, but his heart had a habit of doing what it wanted, even if his mind disagreed.

* * *

He quickly learned that Kimi was a Finnish harpooner, meaning that he was one of the most integral parts of a whaling ship. The Finn was one of the crewmen who threw the sharpened harpoons with deadly accuracy into the scarred flesh of the whales they chased down. Sebastian found that even when faced with the daunting task of spearing a whale, Kimi's calm facade never quite faded away.

It both impressed and infuriated him.

Sebastian figured that he and Kimi would interact again, given how they had gotten along and seemed to have something between them when they first met. Instead, Kimi treated him with much the same indifference that he treated everyone else with. He generally didn't talk to anybody, and Sebastian wasn't an exception. Kimi simply went about his business and ducked away whenever anybody looked like they were approaching him.

His heart continued to yearn even if Sebastian felt just a little indignant whenever he had a spare moment and looked in Kimi's direction, only for the harpooner to meet his gaze for a split second and then escape to the lower levels of the ship. Sebastian kept finding himself taking on more tasks around the ship, throwing himself into the work in hopes that he'd pass by Kimi or that Kimi would see him bent over, washing the laundry, and decide to get over himself and. talk to Seb.

Of course, that never did happen. Kimi preferred to be on his own whenever they weren't trying to kill a whale and putting the remains into barrels. Sebastian was left to pine after him and try to berate himself into letting his feelings go in the darkness of night.

There was one night that unexpectedly changed things. Sebastian had volunteered to help mend a set of sails that gotten torn over time. He was seated on the main deck, the sail spread out in front of him, and trying his best to figure out what he was supposed to do with the materials in front of him. There was a thick sewing needle and sturdy thread, along with a pair of scissors that looked like it had seen better days and a few patches of scrap fabric to fix the holes with.

Sebastian cut a strand of the thread and began the tedious process of trying to thread the needle. Squinting in the soft light of the lamp next to him, he tried to push one end of the thread through the needle. The thread refused to cooperate with him, and Sebastian huffed in annoyance as he kept trying to push it through the open end.

"You're doing it wrong," a dearly missed voice rang out behind him.

Looking over his shoulder, Sebastian saw Kimi approaching him. The harpooner sat down next to him, close enough for their knees to brush together and Sebastian felt himself falling back into his demure mood.

"What am I supposed to do?" Sebastian asked. He hopelessly let Kimi take the needle and thread from his hands and watched as he expertly folded the thread in half and then passed the loop through the end of the needle, then pushing the sharp end through the loop.

"You do it like this so that you don't have to tie the thread to the needle, and so that the fabric is held together with double the strength. Make the stitches small, it's less likely to come apart if you make them small," Kimi advised him in his quiet voice. He continued to sew a few more stitches of the sail before handing the needle and thread over to Sebastian, who felt somewhat embarrassed at having to be shown something so simple.

The two of them sat in silence as Sebastian carefully patched the heavy sails up. He tried to think of something to say and wistfully hoped that Kimi would break the silence, though he shouldn't have been surprised when he didn't.

"Why are you talking to me now?" Sebastian gave in and asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Because you clearly didn't know what you were doing," Kimi said with an easy shrug. Drawing words out of the reserved harpooner was a task that Sebastian wanted so badly to excel at, even if he felt like he was getting nowhere.

"That's not what I meant. I guess what I should ask is, why did you seem to avoid me up until now?" Sebastian pressed further. Sewing the sails was a great excuse for him to avoid making eye contact with Kimi, who probably could still see his flushed cheeks.

"I like looking at you, Sebby, but I don't like talking to people," Kimi answered. He said it like it was no big deal, yet it supplied Sebastian with an entirely new thing to mull over and overanalyze. The nickname was something the Finn had come up with on his own, and Sebastian had to admit that he liked hearing him say it.

He bit his lip and pushed the needle decidedly through the fabric of the sail one last time. Kimi wordlessly took it from him, cutting the thread and expertly tying it off. There was nothing else for Sebastian to distract himself with, and so he finally met Kimi's eyes. Sebastian wasn't sure if he was more angry at Kimi for toying with him or at himself for knowing that he shouldn't fall in love with a whaler he had only known for a few months and still doing it anyway.

Kimi stood and extended a hand to help him up off the floor. They folded the sails, a more intricate process than Sebastian had imagined it to be, and carried them down to where they were stored with the plethora of other things they kept aboard the ship. Lances, harpoons, and nets alike surrounded them as Kimi placed the repaired sails into their respective crate, which too looked like it had seen better days.

Only when they stood there, staring at each other, did Sebastian think of something to say.

"You could look at me and talk to me at the same time," he said with more confidence than he expected from himself.

"Or we could both not talk," Kimi suggested, and he stepped closer, placing a hand on Sebastian's arm.

His easy going nature made Sebastian easily forget all of the years he had spent keeping his secrets, all the tension that overcame him from time to time from knowing that he could not love or marry freely like seemingly everyone else he knew could. In the moment where it was just the two of them, with Kimi's gentle caress, Sebastian felt for the first time in his life that he didn't have to hide anything.

The sea had a way of changing people. The abyssal waters and isolation could cloud ones mind, but Sebastian knew that he was thinking as clear as ever as he leaned closer and closer to Kimi, who met him half way. Surprisingly warm lips pressed against Sebastian's and he felt himself melt into Kimi's arms, curling his fingers into the linen of his shirt.

Sebastian had never given much credence to the claim that loving men was sinful. If it was, he decided that kissing Kimi was worth it even if he ended up in hell. There was nothing the religious noise he had heard growing up could do to convince him otherwise as he let his eyes fall shut, feeling Kimi running a hand through his hair.

"I think we should do that as well as talking," Sebastian whispered when they parted. He felt breathless despite the kiss only lasting a few seconds, and he couldn't stop himself from smiling. Even in the darkness of the ship's depths in the late evening, Sebastian could tell that Kimi was smiling too.

"I think so too."

* * *

The night where they kissed in the cramped storage room was life altering. Suddenly, Sebastian had gone from living secretively to having someone at his side who was like him, and he experienced something along the lines of _romance_ for the first time. He wasn't sure how things had changed so drastically, but he went along with it and tried his best to nurture what was between him and Kimi.

Time seemed to flow faster with him, and Sebastian could better endure the macabre life of whaling with Kimi at his side. For a while, he almost felt like he was living through a dream that he was expecting to wake up from at any second. The dream never ended though, and the days turned into months, developing into years of being together in a relationship that Sebastian was enamored with. When his first voyage drew to an end, he followed Kimi onto the next.

The years went by like the tide coming in. They ebbed and flowed, sometimes smooth and sometimes rough. Sebastian took a liking to the sea and with time, he became the experienced sailor he had envisioned himself as during his maiden year at sea. He lost track of how many whales he had seen come to their violent end and how many hours he had spent slicing blubber, boiling whale oil, and wiping blood off of the every outer surface of ships, whose owners had no idea what commercial whaling was like.

Kimi still didn't talk much, despite their romantic relationship binding them impossibly close. Sebastian came to understand that it wasn't anything personal, but rather the Finn's nature to be quiet. He was so much more expressive with his nonverbal language, and the two of them picked up on each other's habits and mannerisms as they sailed across the oceans together. Sometimes laying in silence with one another was better than talking anyway.

As a harpooner, the chances for upward mobility were much greater for Kimi than they were for Sebastian. It was no surprise when he received promotion after promotion, and the day that he had become a captain was one that Sebastian could vividly recall even years later.

As for himself, Sebastian did not receive promotions or pay raises; rather he climbed the ranks of the social hierarchies, a much more implied and informal promotion. If there was an issue that didn’t quite require the authority of one of the mates, the sailors came to him. Sebastian threw himself into his work, he bore the weight of aiding in the murder of animals to light the world and line ladies’ corsets, he bit back sobs from the burns on his hands that came from gripping ropes for years until his skin grew tough enough to put up with it.

Despite how painful whaling was, Sebastian couldn’t imagine himself doing anything else. He stuck by Kimi’s side and for years, they were always on the move together. The day their voyages ended, they signed onto another the same night. Things went as smoothly as they could go while living a rather secretive life like theirs.

For almost nine years, Sebastian followed Kimi around the seas, and their waters were smooth even when the sea got rough.

* * *

“I want you to be my first mate,” Kimi said against his skin one day.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow, looking down at where Kimi lay tucked into his side. It was one of the rare few days that happened every few years where they were on land instead of a ship, still preparing to leave on their next commercial whaling venture in the next few days. The two of them had finished their favourite and probably most legally punishable activity of indulging in one another, and Seb had expected them to simply fall asleep easily together like they usually did after their endeavors.

Yet instead, here he was being offered a promotion by the man whose name he had just been crying out like his life depended on it. Sebastian blinked in surprise and wasn't quite sure how to answer at first. It was flattering to be offered that type of promotion, and the increase in pay certainly got his attention, as did the fact that he'd be ranked directly beneath Kimi.

However, Sebastian also experienced some doubt about saying yes. He didn't know if he was qualified enough to go from a simple crewman to the first mate in one fell swoop; usually men worked as a second or third mate before being promoted that high up.

Kimi had just received his promotion to the role of a captain a few days ago when they arrived to some harbor or another to end out their previous voyage. He had been given the list of crew members who had signed on with the ship, and Sebastian knew he had spent a few hours the night before assigning the more authoritative positions to those with the best qualifications, and he certainly didn't expect himself to be getting an offer to be the first mate.

"Sebby?" Kimi murmured, pressing his nose against Sebastian's cheek and pulling him out of his thoughts. The nickname had stuck after all their years together and it still managed to make Sebastian feel all warm inside.

"Sorry, I was thinking. Are you sure I'm cut out for it?" he asked with a blush spreading over his cheeks. Sebastian had one arm around Kimi's shoulders and the skin to skin contact was warm and comforting to him despite the nervousness that the offer had sparked in him.

"I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't think you were ready for it," Kimi bluntly stated.

Sebastian shyly turned his head to press his nose into Kimi's hair. He was worried he wouldn't do the job well enough and Kimi would end up disappointed in him. Every first mate he had worked beneath before had been authoritative and organized to the point of being intimidating, or at least they put up an act of being that commanding. Sebastian recalled every biting insult he had been called by a first mate over the years. He felt he would be too kind to be a first mate and wondered if he could command the same level of respect without being cruel.

"Alright, if you think I can do it then I'll be your first mate," Sebastian said, having decided to stop doubting himself and just go for it.

Kimi gave him a small smile and leaned up to capture his lips in a kiss, putting a hand on his cheek. The Finn curled a strand of Sebastian's hair around his finger and said, "don't worry. You'll be working directly beneath me, so just do what I say and make sure none of those kids get in trouble."

"Well, beneath you is my favourite place to be," Sebastian hummed. He gave him an innocent smile in return, pushing down the sheets of the bed they lay in and trailing his fingers down the bare skin of Kimi's back. Rooms of rented lodgings weren't the most romantic place in the world, but they made it work.

"Good. Let me take you to your favourite place again then," Kimi pressed a kiss to his jaw and took the invitation that Sebastian was indirectly extending to him.

Sebastian was grateful to let his nerves about the promotion go, instead getting to focus on the sweet feeling of Kimi's lips on his neck, gently serenading him without words.

* * *

Whatever apprehension Sebastian had about becoming a first mate had little time to fester, as they set sail in the coming days. He would never quite forget the feeling of standing in front of the crew, _his and Kimi's crew,_ on the morning they left the harbor and all the pairs of eyes that were fixed on him, waiting for instruction. Sebastian almost felt sea sick even though they were still hitched to the dock, until he finally found his words and gave his first orders in a confident tone that surprised himself.

Sebastian found that with time, he rather liked the new authority. He never barked insults the way his higher ups used to and Kimi's guidance helped him settle into the swing of things. By the time their trip was done a few years later, Sebastian was as confident in himself as he was pleased with the amount of barrels of oil that the crew brought in to be sold.

He and Kimi both decided to return to their respective homes before they took up another job on a whaling vessel. It had been over ten years since Sebastian got to spend more than just a few days in his home town with his family, with the life of a sailor being very demanding and the trips out in the open sea being very long. Returning home and seeing the delighted look on his relatives' faces when he said he could stay for a few weeks was the most uplifting thing he had seen in a while.

During the span of a few weeks time, Sebastian found himself making the worst decision of his life: he got married.

It hadn't quite been something he'd chosen to do himself; at the urging of his parents, he let himself be pressured into getting married to a woman who deserved much better than a husband who was attracted to men, already in a relationship, and was a sailor who was away for years at a time.

The night the arrangement happened, Sebastian had spent hours with his face buried in the sheets of his childhood bed, his fists curled into the quilts and his hot tears soaking into the sheets as he sobbed silently. His lungs burned as he breathed erratically and unevenly, and he was aware of a pounding in his head and how dehydrated he was, but Sebastian made no effort to get up or calm himself down. Everything was in strenuous pain and he felt like he was inhaling the salty seawater that he spent so much time around; the burning sensation in his chest was the abyssal waters filling his lungs and dragging him down.

Guilt ate at him during the days leading up to his marriage. Sebastian wasn't sure what he was most guilty for, for betraying Kimi and the years they had spent together, for marrying a woman who deserved to have a husband that loved her and would be there for her, or for letting himself be swept away from his family by the sea and the lucrative wallets of businessmen who wanted oil from whales.

To Sebastian, his life had become a manmade horror beyond his imagination. There was something so privately humiliating about standing through his own wedding ceremony while he had been living with his secretive love for a man he met on a ship for over ten years. Nobody else knew how shameful, guilty, and confused he felt as his new wife smiled gently at him, and Sebastian was sure he was going to hell not for loving a man, but for breaking this woman's heart without her knowing it.

One's wedding night was supposed to be a rather romantic endeavor that most looked forward too. For obvious reasons, it was not so for Sebastian. There wasn't any excitement for him; instead Sebastian felt embarrassed and shy as he undid the laces of her bodice with shaking hands. The rustling of her skirts falling to the floor made Sebastian flinch and shiver while he was undoing his own clothes.

Sebastian's guilt and embarrassment ate at him as he followed her into their wedding bed. She was very pretty and kindhearted, and Sebastian knew what he should have felt as he shakily put his hands on her and she pressed her lips to his. It did nothing for him though, except fuel the nagging voice in his head that taunted him for his infidelity. Whether he was an infidel to her or to Kimi he wasn't quite sure.

He tried to will himself into getting to the task with more enthusiasm. It was difficult to lie with a woman when it was a man who he loved though. Sebastian couldn't pretend that it wasn't Kimi's hands he wanted to be trailing down his back, Kimi's lips covering his own to drown out the sounds he made, Kimi's strong arms around him and his solid figure pressing Sebastian into the mattress.

Nevertheless, it wasn't Kimi with him, and Sebastian was relieved when it was over and they both could go to sleep. It took a while for Sebastian to fall into a restless sleep, his penitence sitting like a stone in his throat.

A few weeks later, Sebastian left to go work as a sailor, a first mate, again. His wife tearfully said goodbye and the hand she had wrapped protectively around her stomach made Sebastian's guilt raise to a whole new level.

* * *

Seeing Kimi when he got to the harbor should have been something that made Sebastian thrilled. There was the man he loved, ready to spend a few more years at sea with him and a few more rough tumbles with whales. He didn't have to tell Kimi he was married, but it would have felt wrong not to confess.

Kimi's easy smile that he gave when he saw Sebastian made his heart ache. He had hurt himself by getting married and he was now going to hurt Kimi, his lover but not his spouse. At first, Sebastian couldn't do it. 

He waited until they had set sail, which he knew was a stupid idea since it gave neither of them a way to leave if Kimi's feeling of betrayal was as strong as Sebastian's feeling that he had wronged the Finn. It didn't matter if he made another stupid decision, Sebastian figured, he had already dug himself into a hole that he couldn't get out of.

Sebastian hadn't been able to even talk to Kimi until nightfall, when the deck was clear. Only his third mate, a blonde Dane with a surprising bite to his personality, remained awake on the night watch. Kimi seemed relaxed and unphased, like he usually did, when Sebastian dragged him onto the main deck after sunset and said that they needed to talk. He stood there with his arms crossed, a few feet away from Sebastian and a mildly curious look on his face. 

The words escaped Sebastian and he stood there feeling his face get increasingly warmer. He leaned against one of the masts of the ship to avoid falling over and passing out from the effort it took to even utter a sound. A rope hung loosely around the wooden pole and Sebastian reached out to grab it, grounding himself and squeezing it like it was the only thing keeping him alive.

The worn segments of the rope clung together, despite their years of being pulled taught. He wrapped the rope nervously around his hand a few times and pretended to be interested in the lines of linen. The line scraped against his fingers as he said, "I got married. Not by my own choice, but I got married and I had to tell you." Tears welled up in his eyes and he dug his nails into the old rope to try to prevent himself from crying.

"Oh," was all Kimi said in return. A man of few words, it wasn't uncharacteristic for him to say so little. Sebastian still felt like he was on the verge of getting sick as he watched Kimi wordlessly process the news, and eventually his captain nodded and said, "okay."

Kimi gave him a rather unreadable expression. In his eyes, Sebastian could see just the slightest inkling of some emotion that he couldn't put a name to. Kimi took a few steps before he stopped and looked over his shoulder, turning slightly and seeming like he was going to reach out for Sebastian before he caught himself and forced his hand to his side again. 

With baited breath, Sebastian waited to see what he did.

"Are you coming to bed?" Kimi asked, his voice nearly a hoarse whisper. It was clear that he was emotionally affected by Sebastian legally being bound to another, as Sebastian had heartbreakingly anticipated for him to be.

"You still want me to?" Sebastian hesitantly took a step forward. He thought about his wife back at home and how she slept alone, he thought about how he'd miss the birth of his own child and how he had this other life that he didn't want but was forced upon him, and he took that step toward Kimi anyways. Sebastian couldn't not take that step.

Kimi nodded, responding, "I'll never stop wanting you to."

Sebastian's resolved collapsed and he followed Kimi down into the lower levels of the ship, into the captain's bedroom that was separate from the crew. His tears overpowered him and Sebastian could not stop them from running down his tears, washing away streaks of sweat and dust that came along with working on a ship.

In his head, he was torn between two paths. He had a wife he was legally bound to, whether he liked it or not. Sebastian already carried the burden of knowing that people like him, people who loved differently than most did, could only either live in secret or face punishment and judgment, and he was living in secret. What a painful secret it was, Sebastian mourned as Kimi shut the door behind them. The law, his family, the world he lived in, and the church all told him he was to be faithful to her, not that faith had ever helped him much through life.

Down the other path was Kimi, the man he had been with for years. The man who had kept him on the sea and who made him feel complete, whose arms he felt safe in and whose sweet touches, soft voice, and gentle kisses he dreamed of. Sebastian couldn't leave him even if he wanted to, even if he knew that it was unfair for him to leave behind a woman who deserved better than the confusing web she had unknowingly married into. No matter what he did, Sebastian felt hurt and immense guilt toward one party or the other.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian whispered as Kimi pulled him close, pressing their forehead together. He felt his wedding ring slip off, bouncing away into some dusty corner of the room or another, and he made no attempt to retrieve it. His apology may have been to Kimi, himself, or his wife who he couldn't make himself be faithful to, or perhaps Sebastian had to apologize to himself for getting himself into this mess.

"it's not like we could have married anyway," Kimi breathed out, reaching up to cup Sebatstian's cheek and hooking his other arm around his waist, "it's not your fault, or her fault. I wish it could be different, though."

Sebastian trembled in his arms and clung to his shoulders, trying to get himself as close to Kimi as possible. He shook and cried like he did on the night where he was first engaged, and Sebastian never truly calmed down as he and Kimi pulled their outer layers of clothing off until they were left in their light linens to sleep in. He let Kimi pull him into the bed, shushing him and laying the blankets over the two of them.

Kimi wrapped his arms around him and Sebastian immediately rolled over to hide his face against his chest. He inhaled the familiar, comforting scent of Kimi. Even after spending all day in the salty sea air, he always smelled of the clean scent of pine needles and crisp morning air. Sebastian let his senses be flooded, and a sense of clarity and safety overtook him for the first time in weeks. In his arms was where he belonged.

"I still love you, with all my heart I still love you, you're the only one for me," Sebastian sobbed against him. He gripped at Kimi's back and felt him kiss the top of his head.

"I know, I love you too," Kimi pulled him up into a kiss, and it was everything that Sebastian ever needed and wanted. His lips were soft and welcoming, homely almost to Sebastian's weary and defeated soul. Sebastian tangled his fingers into Kimi's hair and tipped his head back to expose his neck when Kimi pulled away from his lips, pressing kisses to his throat instead.

He lay in that vulnerable position, keeping his hand woven into Kimi's hair and squeezing his eyes shut as the feeling of warm lips on his neck made Sebastian exhale shakily. Nobody else could ever get him to trust enough to be that intimate and vulnerable.

"You're mine, Sebby, and nothing will ever change that," Kimi whispered against his skin.

Nodding frantically, Sebastian wished he could go back to that night where he first met Kimi, the injured harpooner sitting on a crate and needing his care. They both had been so young and naive then. Sebastian could recall how different they had looked, all smooth skin and lacking the lean muscle that he had built up over the years of backbreaking labour on the seas. Now they both had aged, and he could affectionately count the soft creases in Kimi's face that had come with time, as he was sure Kimi could do the same to him.

Sebastian silently lay in Kimi's arms. The future still terrified him, given that his only option seemed to be to live on the run via whale ship with Kimi. Until he figured out how to live happily again, Sebastian would have to live with the heavy feeling that weighed on him endlessly. His only solace would be the months at sea with Kimi, where he was free to go to bed with him at night and wake up in his arms in the morning.

All that Sebastian knew at that point was that the sea was a safe place to leave his heart. It was all he and Kimi had.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't really make seb's wife a defined/clear character because im lazy but also for literary purposes 👉👈 I feel like this fic was kinda messy and confusing but idk I hope it made sense 🥺
> 
> as always you can find me on tumblr @esteboo-ocon


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